I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
