Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
