I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
