She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
