I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
