turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
