I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
