Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
