Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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