Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
