Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
did i just pee glitter
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
