sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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