We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
