I just pynch a tree in the face
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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