sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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