he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
