Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My cat gives me a boner
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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