Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
