last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
