Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
