Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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