Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
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