I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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