Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
