There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
