i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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