my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
