so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
