I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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