o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
