I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
