I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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