Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
