a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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