They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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