Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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