Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
