last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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