Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
