The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
