i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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