I didn't shave. On purpose
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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