I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
