i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
