I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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