some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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