Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
