Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
