So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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