He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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