it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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